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Long-ass fucking meme

So I found this neat questionnaire (I guess it's like a really long-ass meme?) about Tseng x Rufus on some Japanese fansite. I thought it'd be fun to do, so I translated it.

I will be glad to rewrite it a bit for Rude x Reno.

Thing is, the Japanese fandom is so bogged down by convention that these sort of things operate on the established premise that [taller or older or brawnier dude] is the seme and [shorter or younger or smaller dude] is the uke, ALL THE TIME NO EXCEPTIONS. If you see something like, Sephi is an uke, it's not for Cloud or Genesis, it's like, he's 12 and being molested by Hojo. (That reminds me, I'm out of every kind of detergent and soap because I POURED IT ALL IN MY EYES AFTER SIMPLY LEARNING OF SUCH A PAIRING'S EXISTENCE)

Anyway, so this presupposes that Rufus is the uke and I have never seen any J-fandom where this is not the case. I mean, yeah, sure, that's my premise too (the president of the world just wants to be loved IN THE BUTT) but it's stupid to just presuppose that. So I'm going to add a question 0.

There are also some dumb questions like "what fashion label would they like" and I'm like, fuckall if I know…YEAH SURE Tseng is a hipster and wears Ed Hardy off duty? Rufus likes Abercrombie but mostly for the shopping bags? What am I supposed to come up with? So I replaced it with what do they like to drink. Nyahahaha.

The Japanese pairing nickname for Tseng x Rufus is TsonRu (Tson is how the guy's name is written in katakana; Tseng is presumably the Wade-Giles romanization, while the more proper Pinyin would be Zeng, which you see on a lot of J-fansites, ANYWAYS) which I do happen to think is ZOMG KAWAII. Yeah.

100 questions for TsonRu fans!

0. In your system, do they fall into definite seme and uke roles? Which is which? Why? Do they ever switch it up?
Rufus is pretty much an uke. But he's not one of those shy little "oh noooo whatever are you doing" ukes. He's really demanding about it. And sometimes he might demand not to be catcher all the time. Tseng, well, sure, he's a seme, but he'll do whatever the pretty president wants.

Tell us about Tseng and Rufus’s basic profiles in your system.

1. When is Tseng’s birthday?
I hadn't thought about birthdays. It would be hilarious if Tseng was the resident Scorpio instead of Reno. November…14?

2. What is Tseng’s blood type?
A, I guess. I haven't kept up with those crazy Japanese blood type personality theories.

3. When is Rufus’s birthday?
September 9 or something. Such a Virgo it's not even funny. Wait, yes it is. OCD little drama queen.

4. What is Rufus’s blood type?
Probably O. *shrugs*

5. What are Tseng’s height and weight?
Round 6'. 180. Fierce and wiry.

6. What are Rufus’s height and weight?
5'6". 145. Small-framed but moderately buff. POCKET SIZE BISHIE WEARS PLATFORM SHOES

7. What are Tseng’s hobbies?
Mahjong and cooking.

8. What are Rufus’s hobbies?
Reading. A lot of psychology and philosophy. The president of the world has to know how to control people.

9. What does Tseng like to drink?
I have him afflicted by that terrible genetic disease (IRL more common in Asia for some reason) which gives him no tolerance to alcohol whatsoever. So he likes shochu, but a couple shots makes him do retarded things like take off his shirt and make out with Cissnei and pass out crying. (This image is totally EPK's fault.)

10. What does Rufus like to drink?
Single malt scotch. Oh you classy classy boy.

11. Does Tseng smoke? If so, what brand?

12. Does Rufus smoke? If so, what brand?
Only after sex. XD some ridiculous handmade herbal-flavored shits from Mideel that are stupid expensive.

13. What fragrance does Tseng wear?
Some deodorant or something, I dunno?

14. What fragrance does Rufus wear?
Some kind of metrosexual-manly cologne which he tends to overuse slightly.

15. What is Tseng’s favorite food?
Some unbearably spicy Wutai dish that would make normal people cry and breathe fire for six hours.

16. What is Rufus’s favorite food?
The person who answered this question from the page I translated put "shark fin soup" here. That's as good an answer as any. It would be something ridiculously fancy and delicate like that.

17. How old is Tseng, physically and mentally?
Original game, I guess around 30. But maybe he feels 35.

18. How old is Rufus, physically and mentally?
Original game, I wanted to say 19 or 20, but that doesn't quite work with the timeline, so maybe 22. He likes to pretend he's 28 or so, but when the angstflies bite he's 16.

19. What are Tseng’s personality traits?
Calm and cold with a reputation for being heartless in his dedication to duty. But actually fiercely devoted to the people around him, though it doesn't always get to show. Has a weakness for sad girls (emotionally, not physically)…

20. What are Rufus’s personality traits?
Napoleon complex. Ruthlessly practical and slightly OCD. A bit of paranoia (perhaps deserved, considering his position) gives him a drive to find out everything about any situation and try to manipulate it to his advantage. With practice, he's gotten pretty good at this.

Tell us more about your Tseng.

21. What kind of place does he live in?
A smallish apartment, very sparsely appointed except for the kitchen.

22. What is his “image color”?
Most people would say black. I wanna go with midnight blue. YOU THINK IT'S BLACK, BUT IT'S NOT!

23. Around what time did Tseng become the leader of the Turks?
Well, I suppose this questionnaire was made by someone who didn't play Before Crisis, because officially he becomes leader of the Turks not long before the original game starts, after they fake Verdot's death.

24. If you met Tseng in battle, what weapon would he use?
I guess this thing is old because you don't see him fight in the original game, but in prequels he obviously uses a sleek handgun.

25. What special attacks would he have?
Oooh, I like imagining characters' limit breaks! Maybe a move that stuns all the enemies, called Takedown or something, or a flame attack called Firestorm.

26. What item would he drop when you defeat him?
Some high-level power item. Like a champion belt or something.

27. What do you think happened to Tseng after the end of the game?
Yeah this thing is old. Obviously after the end of the game everyone is trying to help fix Midgar and shit. OH AND ANGSTING OVER THE TERMINALLY ILL BISHIE, YEAH

28. If Tseng were to get more screen time, what kind of event would you want it to be?
I think this refers to an extra scene encountering the main characters. I can't really think of an "extra" situation in which their paths would cross, unless maybe if Cloud went back to the science lab after fighting Rufus on the roof, maybe Tseng would be in there investigating, trying to figure out where the flying fuck SUDDENLY! SEPHIROTH! came from.

29. As a follow-up to question 28, what are the merits to the extra scene? (Items you would find, etc.)
The merits would be Tseng wondering what the hell just happened to Rufus on the roof and Cloud slowly backing away.

30. If Tseng were to get a cut scene, what kind of event would you want it to be?
A shower scene. BUT NO SRSLY, like the J-fangirl said, it'd be awesome if there was a FMV of him fighting Sephi in the Temple of the Ancients. Or maybe what he says to Aerith when he kidnaps her in the helicopter. That's the first time we see him, but he acts rather atypical. I still can't figure out what's going on there.

31. What is your favorite scene with Tseng in the original game?
Totally the dialogue with Sephi in the Temple of the Ancients, before Sephi just goes and cuts him down! So creepy!

32. What was your first impression of Tseng?
(The J-fangirl's answer to this made me laugh SO HARD. It was "WTF CHINESE MAFIA?!") As for me: "Oh hey this dude has long hair, I bet he's a total bishie… AAAAH WHAT IS THE CREEPY MAN DOING TO AERITH this guy is a jerk"

33. Do you think there are any times when Tseng ties back his hair?
When he's cooking! XD And old meme is old, because he totally did tie his hair back in prequels.

34. When Tseng is in plainclothes, what do you think he wears?
I can't even imagine it. He probably just takes off his suit jacket. YEAH AND HE SLEEPS NEKKID

35. If Tseng were to go into a different line of work, what would suit him?
The scary chef with the huge knife in the fancy Wutai restaurant.

36. How do you think he would do in that job?
He'd never get any bad reviews. Mostly because he's really good, but sort of because the critics are scared to diss him.

37. What is Tseng’s family like?
Seven sisters. Enough said.

38. Does he have any habits or vices? What?
Mahjong in the bad part of Wall Market. But this is also for information and business contacts, really.

39. Does he have any turns of speech peculiar to him? What?
Not really, but when he's disappointed he'll say the harshest thing imaginable so that it doesn't happen again.

40. Is there anything he says only to Rufus? What?
…no, not really, no.

Tell us more about your Rufus.

41. How old was he when he started wearing the white suit?
He's already wearing white in Before Crisis, so I'd say as soon as he got out of middle school. If he waited that long. OCD BISHIE IS OCD

42. If you liken Rufus to an animal, what kind of animal is it?
Everyone else would say a cat, and I will too. Finicky, unaffectionate, and captionable.

43. What did Rufus think of his father, President Shinra?
"That old man couldn't run a damn hamster cage properly."

44. What did Rufus think of his mother?
"She's a nice enough lady. Or was. Did she die, or take vows or what? I haven't seen her in twelve years."

45. What do you think happened to Rufus after the end of the game?
Japanese Kevin J. Anderson Nojima the scenario writer told us in On the Way to a Smile, but it's bizarre and stupid as hell. So my version is better: he barely survived the Weapon attack, and then is all pissed off that he survived because Midgar is a wreck, and so is the company, and most of the world. He doesn't know how to fix Shinra's business model to suit a postapocalyptic world, so in the meantime he's all "why the hell am I alive" and "an emperor should die with his empire." Well sir that kind of thinking is going to get you some Geostigma, now isn't it? And eventually they figure out how to use Shinra resources to help fix up the world, so they have things to do and reasons to live and such. But he's still sick.

46. If Rufus were to get more screen time, what kind of event would you want it to be?
Making out with Reno? LOL I DUNNO

47. If Rufus were to get a cut scene, what kind of event would you want it to be?
OBVS the scene where he sends Tseng to follow Sephiroth into the Temple of the Ancients, knowing that Tseng might not make it back. OH LAWD TEH DRAMMA

48. What is your favorite scene with Rufus in the original game?
(Cue gratuitous squeeing) The parade in Junon, he's all on this hair flipping power trip, OH MAN IT'S AMAAAAAAAAZING, THE HAIR FLIPS, THEY MAKE MO-CHAN STUPID, but also his supposed "death" scene where Weapon is attacking and he's just STARING DEATH IN THE FUCKING FACE. YEAH. FUCK IT'S SO BADASS.

49. What was your first impression of Rufus?
"A white trenchcoat!? FLAMBOYANT AREN'T WE NOW"

50. What kind of place does he live in?
A ridiculous penthouse with floor to ceiling windows (one-way windows) all decked out in white with sparse obsidian black decorations. Granite, marble, really soft rugs and kid leather furniture, the works. The most stupid fancy bathroom you've ever seen.

51. When Rufus is in plainclothes, what do you think he wears?
The opposite: all black. He does wear black under his white suit.

52. If Rufus were to go into a different line of work, what would suit him?
Something where he would get to be picky and tell people what's what. Like a wine critic, or a professor or something.

53. How do you think he would do in that job?
He would be greatly despised and greatly respected.

54. What is Rufus’s family like?
Traditional, but very cold and non-cohesive. He went to boarding school early on.

55. Does he have any habits or vices? What?

56. Does he have any turns of speech peculiar to him? What?
He hates rough language—except during sex because he swears like a sailor in bed!—and says "sweetheart" sarcastically when he's pissed off. Who knows where he picked that up?

57. Is there anything he says only to Tseng? What?
Not that I can think of. He's not very eloquent in such matters XD

58. Do you think he lets Darknation sleep in his room?

59. What do you think he calls Darknation?
This question's premise seems wrong, as it seems to indicate "darknation" is the species and not the name of the guard hound, which is demonstrably incorrect. But "Darknation" (it seems like one word, though they write out "Dark Nation" in the game) is long so he usually calls her "Dark." (I have no idea if it's a girl puppy. I made it a girl.)

60. What is his “image color”?
WHITE I'M REALLY HAPPY FOR YOU AND IMMA LET YOU FINISH BUT well "Rufus" means red, and at the parade in Junon, his banners are red. Okay, maybe that's because the Shinra logo is red, but whatever. It's a fierce color, and he is rather fierce…in certain things.

Tell us about your TsonRu fandom.

61. How did you get into Tseng x Rufus?
I downloaded a shitty scan of this doujinshi called Sin is Sweet. It's pretty hot but I forgot about it and it lurked in my mind for a while, until I put Rufus's super crush on Tseng in my EPIC STORY™ as an aside. And then suddenly I found Rufus really fun to write, and he became a main character, and now it's TEH OTP.

62. What was the first Tseng x Rufus piece you saw like?
The aforementioned doujinshi. Not brain-killingly fantastic artwork, and doesn't particularly make a lot of sense either… but THEY ARE SO HAWT TOGETHER

63. Do you create any Tseng x Rufus works?
Just the EPIC

64. If so, are you posting them? If not, how would you want to post them?
Too bad it's mired in the swamp of an Epic Sue!

65. Which character is easier to draw or write?
Tseng is easier to draw because I always do something wrong with Rufus's hair. Rufus is easier to write because Tseng's coolness and emotional maturity make him more difficult to process.

66. Are there any other series you look at and wish it was Tseng and Rufus?
I really don't get this question but I guess it's some kind of AU thing.

67. Imagine the last scene between them before the leader of the Turks leaves for the Temple of the Ancients.
"So this ultimate destructive magic is located in the Temple of the Ancients."
"Yes, sir. The so-called Black Materia."
"Then there's only one option. The Turks will have to find it first."
"Sir, we believe Sephiroth may already be there."
"……Then get going."

68. When do you think they met, and what was it like?
Rufus had just been named Vice President … in name only. He actually didn't get to do anything in the company at all besides wander around and look at stuff. But he carried himself like he had power anyway, thinking people had damn sure better get used to that. He thinks Tseng is the sexiest thing ever but doesn't make anything of it—lots of people are attractive. Tseng is indifferently courteous to the future president of the company. DRAMA FOLLOWS LATER

69. What about Rufus attracted Tseng?
Not until Rufus actually gets to be president, and proves that he can, in fact, run the place, and is ridiculously charismatic when he's allowed to be, and really does wear power very well …

70. What about Tseng attracted Rufus?
Handsome … and dutiful and dedicated and that noble streak, goddamn.

71. What do the other characters think about their relationship?

72. What do you call Tseng?
This question makes no sense in English

73. What do you call Rufus?

74. If you picked one of them for a boyfriend (or a husband!) which one would it be?
Well Rufus, but DEAR LORD I would not want to live in the same house with him.

75. And why did you pick him?

76. And why didn’t you pick the other one?
So Rufus wouldn't stab me. …At least so there would be a slightly lower probability of that event.

77. If you went to work for Shinra, what kind of job would you want?

78. You wake up one morning and you’ve turned into Tseng! Now what do you do?
Cackle evilly for about an hour, go to a bathhouse with big mirrors, and set to seducing a certain president of the world.

79. You wake up one morning and you’ve turned into Rufus! Now what do you do?
Call Reno and create as much scandal as humanly possible. OH MISCHIEF

80. Are there any songs that make you go “OMG it’s so Tseng x Rufus!!”? If so, what?
Bitch, I have a soundtrack.

81. If you liken Tseng to an animal, what kind of animal is it?
Something predatory and clever. A falcon, or a snake.

82. Tseng and Rufus got in a fight! What kind of situation would it be?
"Enough with these missions! You're going to get killed!"
"Funny, that didn't seem to bother you before, sir…"
"Well, it did!"
"Is that so? By the way, Reno's calling you again, you cheating hussy."
"I am not!"
…………yeah, no.

83. If you made Tseng talk about Rufus, what kind of things would he say?
"The President is a very capable man who has our absolute loyalty. There is nothing more to say." *ears burn*

84. If you made Rufus talk about Tseng, what kind of things would he say?
"My Turks are my business." *nonchalantly ignores the fact that he is blushing*

85. Tell us what kind of Tseng and Rufus make you go “OMG LURRRVE!”
I'm not sure I translated this question properly. But I like the idea of a Rufus who has waited a very long time and finally gets very demanding. And a Tseng who loves it.

We’re at the final stretch! Tell us more about TsonRu.

86. How long have you been into it?
Really into it? Like a year or so now. I can depend on Teh Kitteh to goad me on in matters of slash…

87. Does anything make you go “I hate it when they do this to my OTP!!”?
Stop with the whiney uke Rufus. Seriously just stop. Rufus does not whine. Actually stop with ALL THE WHINEY UKE. I also don't really care for it when Rufus and Tseng first meet when Rufus is like, 10. Even if they don't do anything until way later, it feels all weird and shota. (Oh well it's still hot)

88. Are there any other pairings you’re really into?
Sephiroth dominating just about anyone is pretty hot. Cloud is the obvious victim, but you can throw pretty much anyone in there and it'd still be hot. Vincent, Rufus, Tseng, even Aerith … Kadaj x Rufus seems all too likely, but I think my compy would kill itself from the ensuing angst.

89. Do people around you know you’re into Tseng x Rufus?
If they know what FF7 is.

90. Is there anyone else you know who is into it?
My darling Kitty is always into boys getting it on.

91. If you saw Tseng and Rufus IRL, what would you do?
Buy them drinks until they could be persuaded to do it while I watch, and while the alcohol hits, text EPK to grab my dad's video camera and hightail it.

92. How many TsonRu pieces have you seen (online and offline)?
Oh, a slim several. I tiptoe around fandom for fear of others' perceptions of the characters contaminating my own. This is probably a completely unfounded fear. But I have been reading them in Japanese just because I CAN and it feels so far off from my perceptions of the characters that it's not even a threat.

93. What’s your ideal Tseng x Rufus piece?

94. Have you thought about Tseng x Rufus as live action? If so, who would play them?
This is an interesting question. Or it would be, if I liked real people.

95. Is there any version of Tseng that makes you go “I can’t even look at this!”?
I haven't come across any yet, really, but it seems silly when he's too subservient.

96. Is there any version of Rufus that makes you go “I can’t even look at this!”?
It's really annoying when people make him this whiny uke with stupid amounts of angst, like some people will give him an abused childhood just because it's angsty, it doesn't really add much to the character development, and I don't really see it anyway. A Rufus who is spoiled and proud and will glare daggers at you if you intimate that he is weak enough to have any angst is just so much more palatable.

97. If you had one question for Tseng…?
Are you sure you didn't let Reno go down on you that one time?

98. If you had one question for Rufus…?
What's with the fingerless gloves?

99. Answer honestly! Do you think Tseng and Rufus are “out”?
Like people aren't gonna know once they're finally doing it.

100. What is TsonRu for you?

Well that took my entire evening! And soon I must rewrite it so that EPK can also enjoy it.


( 2 drinkers — Never have I ever … )
Nov. 10th, 2009 02:11 am (UTC)

you win

also, i may or may not do the r/r version tonight...
Jul. 30th, 2010 01:01 pm (UTC)
That's hilarious!
I love Tseng/Rufus!
BTW, Rufus was 21 in the game, according to an official settings magazine long ago, which I just heard of instead of see with my own eyes.
( 2 drinkers — Never have I ever … )


Fantard McSqueenix

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